In a shocking move that has sent fans, critics, and even Satanists into a tailspin, the Pittsburgh Steelers have announced their official boycott of Pride Nights, citing concerns over what they call the “woke and satanic” nature of the events. The announcement comes hot on the heels of a similar statement by the Kansas City Chiefs, proving that in the world of football, team solidarity might be more important than inclusivity—or common sense.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, known for his no-nonsense approach to the game, stepped up to the podium at a hastily arranged press conference. With his trademark intensity, he declared, “We’re not here to celebrate rainbows, unicorns, or whatever mystical forces these Pride Nights represent. This is about football. And football is about… well, not that.”