In a move that has sent shockwaves through the media world, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk is reportedly considering the acquisition of CNN in what he describes as a plan to “set things right” and restore the news network to its former glory. According to Musk, CNN has veered so far off course that the only logical solution is for him to step in and “fix it.” Musk’s ambitious plan to take over CNN is just the latest in a series of bold moves aimed at transforming industries he believes are broken—though this time, it’s not electric cars or space exploration, but the chaotic world of mainstream media.

“Honestly, our country will be in a better place once CNN is back on track,” Musk said in an interview with X (formerly Twitter). The comment quickly went viral, with fans applauding his self-appointed mission to rescue the news channel from what he termed “irrelevance and wokeness.”

The very idea of Musk, a man more famous for launching rockets and selling flamethrowers, suddenly diving into the media landscape might sound surreal—but surreal is Musk’s specialty. After all, this is the same person who bought Twitter (sorry, X), laid off half the staff, and then openly tweeted that it was “running better than ever.” A similar fate could await CNN, if Musk’s musings translate into action.

“I’ve fixed bigger messes,” Musk reportedly quipped when asked about CNN’s numerous controversies, which include allegations of biased reporting, political partisanship, and endless coverage of celebrity gossip. “Compared to landing a rocket on a floating platform in the middle of the ocean, turning CNN into something credible again will be a breeze.”

The billionaire went on to outline his vision for the media giant under his hypothetical ownership. “It’s time CNN reported facts again,” he stated. “We’re going to make sure that instead of constant doom-scrolling about climate change or the latest scandal in Washington, people get real news. Hard news. Objective news. News that can actually make this country better.”

For someone who claims to despise the 24-hour news cycle, Musk sure seems eager to jump right into the heart of it.

Musk’s possible CNN acquisition comes with a few “minor” changes, of course. The network, under his leadership, would shift from being the go-to platform for panel discussions on whether the sky is falling to a “fact-first, free-speech safe zone,” Musk promised. “No more endless punditry. No more panels of people agreeing with each other for two hours straight. We need to bring real diversity of thought back to TV.”

He also proposed that CNN could start airing live coverage of SpaceX rocket launches, complete with Musk’s signature dry commentary. “People want to see real stuff happening,” Musk explained. “Imagine turning on CNN and instead of seeing a panel arguing about tax policy, you see a live feed of humans colonizing Mars.”

But Musk’s plans don’t stop at space exploration. He has hinted at creating an entire segment dedicated to new technology—particularly those technologies invented by, you guessed it, Elon Musk. Imagine a prime-time slot filled with updates on Neuralink brain chips, Tesla autopilot breakthroughs, and the latest Boring Company tunnel developments. In Musk’s vision, CNN would not only inform the public but also entertain and inspire them with the future of technology. In other words, the network might just become a 24-hour advertisement for all things Musk.

Naturally, the face of CNN would also change. Musk hasn’t minced words when discussing his disdain for traditional media personalities, and insiders say that he’s planning to introduce an entirely new anchoring team. Rumors are swirling that Musk has already begun vetting potential replacements, with names like Joe Rogan, Lex Fridman, and even Kanye West floating in the mix.

“Who needs the same talking heads droning on about the same tired topics?” Musk tweeted. “We need disruptors, people who aren’t afraid to challenge the status quo.”

In Musk’s ideal world, the news would no longer be delivered by what he’s labeled “corporate stooges.” Instead, CNN would host an array of individuals who are, in his words, “fearless innovators”—basically anyone willing to question conventional wisdom and push boundaries, even if it means arguing that the Earth might just be flat for a couple of clicks.

Of course, Musk’s potential CNN overhaul wouldn’t be complete without addressing what he views as the network’s excessive “wokeness.” He has been vocal in his opposition to political correctness and cancel culture, suggesting that CNN, under his leadership, would feature a lot less virtue signaling and a lot more “free thinking.”

“No more pandering,” Musk stated bluntly. “We’re not here to tell people how to think or what’s socially acceptable. We’re here to give them the facts and let them decide for themselves.”

Under Musk, it’s likely that viewers will see a reduction in the network’s segments that delve into social justice issues. Instead, there will be a renewed focus on economic policies, scientific breakthroughs, and maybe even a weekly segment on how to survive the inevitable AI apocalypse.

As news of Musk’s potential CNN acquisition spread, reactions ranged from elation to horror. Some fans took to X to express their excitement, eagerly anticipating the changes that Musk would undoubtedly bring. “Finally! CNN will actually be worth watching again,” one user posted. “Imagine Elon Musk running a media network. What could go wrong?” another commented, rather sarcastically.

On the other hand, critics argue that Musk’s involvement in a news network could lead to even more polarization in the media landscape. “Does the man who controls Twitter, Tesla, and SpaceX also need to control the news?” asked one detractor. “We might as well rename CNN ‘Elon News Network.’”

Even some of Musk’s supporters have raised concerns. “I love Elon, but do we really need him reshaping every aspect of our lives? The guy’s already sending us to Mars. Let’s leave the news to the journalists,” commented a user on Reddit.

Whether Elon Musk’s grand CNN takeover materializes remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: if anyone could transform a network like CNN, it’s the man who’s built electric cars, conquered space travel, and somehow managed to make flamethrowers cool. For now, Musk-watchers are eagerly waiting to see if the Tesla tycoon’s media ambitions will actually become reality.

In the meantime, Musk continues to drop tantalizing hints about what he might do next. “I’m just saying,” Musk concluded in a recent interview, “if CNN was reporting like they should have been, we’d be living on Mars already.”

Maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s not True.